dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
