i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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