the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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