i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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