I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
