Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
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i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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