Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
