saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
