I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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