Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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