so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
