i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
