he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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