i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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