I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
