Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
