I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
