if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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