I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
