I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
