I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
