If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
