I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
