We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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