I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
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I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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