girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
