Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
