yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
