don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
