She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
