I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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