Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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