He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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