he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
