I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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