not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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