So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
