Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
