cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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