Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
