i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
