party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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