this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
