you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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