and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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