I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
