you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
