so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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