You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
