I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
