If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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