im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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