My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
