what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
