Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
